I don't forgive...I am forgivING

I find it interesting that we treat forgiveness like some static thing - we arrive at it, choose or don't choose it, and move on. "I forgave her." "I forgive myself."

Many of us struggle with forgiveness. What is it? Why do I still have feelings if I already forgave? What is the role of "forgetting" in forgiving?

I think our mistake is in how we view forgiveness. Anger - and especially resentment - are very active. When we harbor resentment, we have to actively carry it around with us. We think negative thoughts about the person (or ourselves), we ruminate on the event, we feel the anger in our body, we have fantasies of blasting the person with literal or metaphorical sticks and stones, we avoid the person. Active, very active.

Why would forgiveness be any different? Forgiveness is not passively releasing; It is actively letting go. With the same amount of energy that we held on, we actively release. We have to continually replace resentment with forgiveness - Think compassionately about that person, ruminate on loving kindness, feel compassion in our body, have fantasies of love and peace, accept the person. Active, very active.

Perhaps with time we will develop emotional muscle memory and won't have to be so actively mindful. But, until then, lets get busy forgiving.

END DISCRIMINATION - including self-discrimination

Is it possible that, despite your beliefs about your accepting, loving, nonjudgmental nature, you commit acts of discrimination every day...to yourself?

When I talk to people about their attitudes towards themselves they tell me all the time, "Oh, don't worry, I wouldn't treat anyone else that way." I hear people talk like this constantly. You'll hear it, too, if you listen for just one day: "I can't, I'm too old"; "I wish I could, but I'm too big"; "I'd love to take that class, but I'm terrible." Discriminate, discriminate, discriminate.

It's time to stop restricting ourselves from the things we have the ability and resources to do just because we are "too old" or "not pretty enough."  What a horrible message to put into the world: "It is OK for someone to do that, just not me." How do we let ourselves get away with this horrific behavior? It is clear discrimination.

Violence is violence, hate is hate, it doesn't matter if you are aiming it at someone else or yourself. Discrimination is hateful and often leads towards violence.

Love is love, it doesn't matter if you are aiming it at someone else or yourself.

We need more love in the world.

Be mindful what you say, what you think. Shift your attitudes. End Discrimination.

A great lesson from...acne

 I have gone through several different phases of "self-esteem development," with a few definitive milestones.  One was a few years ago. I was feeling particularly self-conscious because of a very intrusive zit right in the middle of my forehead.

Thanks be to all that is fair...I had decided to grow bangs a few months prior, so I had a handy shield. Perfect...pull the bangs this way, curl them just so and...no zit.

Only problem was, I was so uncomfortable. It was hot, and my hair felt yucky on my forehead. I felt distracted because I kept fidgeting, making sure the hair had not shifted out of place. Finally I took a head band, pulled all my hair back and tied it up in a bun on top of my head. I instantly felt better. I was more physically comfortable and I didnt have to worry if anyone would see my acne because I knew that they could!  I don't have to have perfect skin, which means that I don't have to hide my skin when it is imperfect.  What if we let go of our need to be right, our need to be perfect, our need to be constantly shiny and clever and brilliant and talented? What if we could be more free, more comfortable, less distracted and more available to pay attention to what we love, who we love and how we can love better?

It has been very freeing for me to realize that I don't always have to have clear skin or, more importantly, to be great at "it" (whatever that "it" happens to be), to know the answer, to have it figured out, to understand, to get it. Consider stepping out from behind your respective bangs the next time you have an imperfection.  See what it might feel like to let go of the false belief that you must hide imperfections and embrace the freedom that comes with being who you are, where you are, when you are there.

Be you.

Don't look for joy, open up to it

When I hear people (or myself) say that they are looking for joy, peace, meaning, happiness...I have to take a pause.
Although I don't totally disagree with this idea of "looking" for joy and meaning, I have to admit this phrase evokes a bit of frustration because it describes my current state as lacking these qualities and suggests that joy and happiness are hiding...and if I don't find them, they will elude me.

What I feel, what I have experienced and what I have grown to truly believe is that joy, meaning, peace, love (all the good stuff) exist right here, right now, all the time.  Love is all around. Peace is available always. Meaning does not exist when you find it - it was there all the time. As is happiness.

Rather than looking for happiness or peace, I want to be open to seeing the peace and happiness that is here now. I want to change how I see, how I perceive, so that I can have access to these qualities.

I don't have to go looking for them, they are not hiding. I  don't have to search, in hopes that I look in the right spot at the right time and find them.

I choose to open my perspective, to tune my senses, to focus my vision so that I can see, feel and experience the joy, peace, meaning and happiness that are here now. 

What is perfectly right, joyful, meaningul, peaceful about this exact moment? I am thirsty, and I just grabbed a glass of water. That's just rigth in this moment.

Don't fear humiliation

I wanted to share one my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite poets, David Whyte:

"There is a lovely root to the word humiliation - from the Latin word humus, meaning soil or ground. When we are humiliated, we are in effect returning to the ground of our being."

We need to stop being so afraid of being embarrassed or...god forbid...humiliated.  Allow yourself to celebrate your successes as well as to celebrate the times you return to your soil.

Let humiliation be less about your ego being embarrassed and more about your soul being grounded.

Live a little bigger today and, worst case scenario, you'll have an opportunity to get grounded.

Everything is as it should be...really

I've been listening to what I tell myself and thinking, "what if I believed that?...really?"

Today I hear myself thinking, "Everything is as it should be." When I really, really say and actually believe this, I relax. I feel open to giving my best and caring as much as I do.

If I let this moment actually be this moment, if I let it be what it is, I feel energized rather than depleted, frustrated or exhausted.  If I don't have to make this moment something different, then I can use that energy elsewhere.

Everything is as it should be.  Really.

Soul's Inspiration

Just for today, let yourself care more for your soul's inspiration than your ego's reputation.
 
To grow requires you to risk your ego being embarrassed because you wanted and lost, you tried and failed, you swung and missed.

Caring, playing, trying, boldly speaking intentions is, in essence, soulful because it inherently requires you to risk ego damage.

We have to let go of protecting our ego from embarrassment.  This is part of how the soul grows and deepens. Don't wait until you "have it all together" and there is no risk...Be a mess, have an audience, and show up anyway!

The work of Receiving

Someone described to me today their goals for 2012, and I began to think differently about "receiving."
When I think of work I think of producing, creating, fixing - energy out type of activities.
But I began to think of receiving as work. Do we passively receive, or do we work at it? Are we actively working the muscles of our hands and heart to open? Are we actively working to create a holding space for all that we could receive?
If someone throws something at you but you refuse to lift up your arms or wrap your hands around...how much can you possibly receive?

Today I will be aware of my receiving, and I will work harder at receiving.