Laws of the Universe...Rule #1: Everything you love, you'll lose.

Certain rules apply to this game of life. Most of us crave peace, freedom and joy...but we cannot achieve these unless we learn to accept the rules of this universe.  For the most part, I argue that there are far fewer rules to life than we imagine. You don't actually have to wear a tie to be a boss, you don't need lululemon pants to be a good yogi (although they're great!), you don't have to make a lot of money to be rich, you don't have to know someone for a year before you love them, etc. Those rules are all silly. However, there are certain rules of the universe, and our psychological health is dependent upon our mastery of them.

Today, Rule #1: Everyone and everything you love, you will lose. Guaranteed.

We love love. It feels fun and amazing and fulfilling.  But, there's a catch.  Before you even commit to loving someone, you have to accept that you're going to experience the biggest heartache possible. Sometimes - often - we forget this part of love.  We forget the grief that is guaranteed and we become angry, forlorn and devastated when we experience loss.  Loss, my dears, is guaranteed in this life.  The better we can get at accepting this rule, the less we suffer.

You can fight and rebel and resist, but you will suffer. You can be angry and tantrum, but you will suffer.  The better we get at embracing the loss inherent in love, the freer we are to experience it. Even if you are not consciously aware of this rule, you deeply either do or don't accept it. If you don't, your relationships are filled with constant cravings for proof and approval.  "Tell me today you love me. Tell me again. Tell me again.  I'm so afraid to lose you, please don't talk to another person or have a crush on anyone else or enjoy anything more than me. Please don't ever get sick or do anything too adventurous."  We fear and grasp and we get jealous, anxious and obsessive when we try to resist this rule.

When we accept this rule, the first emotion is hopelessness. But, stay with it, because right behind hopelessness is freedom. If my feelings of joy and connection and love today are independent of the guarantee of love tomorrow and forever, then I am free to love wholly and completely today. And another unavoidable truth is that today is the only day I will actually ever live again.

One week ago today I learned that my healthy, 8 year old pup, Levon, was not so healthy. He was diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma and started chemo 24 hours later.  I cried. I cried hard for a few days. I cry still today, and probably will for a long time. But, a truth that I deeply know is that grief does not trump love. Grief is just another side of the love coin. How lucky am I to love someone so much that the thought of them being gone nearly stops my heart?  When I feel grief, what I am really feeling is love...love expressed in this universe...this universe that has certain rules...rules I knew before Levon even came into my life.  If on day one someone said to me, "See this guy you're starting to love? Here's the deal: You get him for a solid 8 years. He'll be healthy mostly, sickly some, a runt for sure, but a dragon as well. Tough, loving.  He'll get cancer at age 8, and the treatment will be long and expensive and the prognosis not so good. You'll love each other deeply and he'll make you giggle...a lot. He'll be your guru and teach you about a new level of love. He'll model self-acceptance and devotion and living in the present moment. You may have him today, but that's the deal."

Without a doubt, Levon would have come home with me.  Levon is my love, which means he will also be my loss, my grief. But, grief and love are no different, they are just different parts of the same story.  So, I accept this love story. And, if I can breathe into this law of this universe, then I don't have to be furious or devastated. I can - and will - be sad. But, if the rule is that I have to lose everyone I love, then I don't have to fear that day. Instead, I can enjoy and celebrate this day.  And that's exactly what I plan to do. In fact, it's what I'm doing right now as I write this with my little dragon snuggled up next to me.

Tough Love

A few days embarrassingly late, I learned about the Oklahoma Fraternity getting caught on film chanting a horrifically cruel and racist song.  I was obviously disturbed by the incident, but also frustrated with the human race for not evolving more. How is it that we have been humans for thousands of years but we still do the same shit? After watching empire after empire rise and fall, we still think we should war with others so we can rise.  After seeing millions of examples of  infidelity destroying lives, we still engage in secret rendezvous. We still fight and commit adultery and compete and argue and cut people off and hold grudges and move too fast and text while driving and discriminate based on differences.  Are we serious? Our buildings look nothing like they did 200 years ago. Transportation, medical procedures, space travel…it’s all incredibly evolved.  We learned how to make a baboon’s heart work in a human body. We learned how to shoot a rocket - with humans in it - out of our atmosphere and to the moon. Then we landed on the moon. LANDED ON THE MOON. But we haven’t figured out how to be kind and loving and accepting of each other? Oh, and of ourselves. 

It is quite easy to love and accept someone who adores you, takes care of you and fawns over you.  It is simple to look at someone very similar to yourself and say, “Ah, yes, I get you.” It is no big feat to love the parts of yourself that radiate and serve you exactly as you desire them to. But what about all the rest? 

Real love - which leads to real peace - is not about being fond of the people who are fond of you.  Self love is not about looking at and celebrating all your favorite things about yourself.  The kind of love that has the power to change you and the planet is the love that can love the ugly, the difficult, the wounded.  It’s the love that loves someone different from you. Someone who confuses or angers you. Someone who hurts you. The parts of your personality or body that frustrate or embarrass you.

We need to evolve as lovers.  It’s not enough to learn to celebrate the parts of yourself you adore. It’s not enough to build a tight community of friends and family that you love. Those are all important. Incredibly important. But not enough.  

I’ve heard it said that love shouldn’t hurt. I like the sentiment and I agree that love should not be abusive; it should not hurt to receive love. But, sometimes it does hurt to give love.  It hurts our egos to let go of resentments, it damages our pride to see the hurt in the person who hurt us rather than to reduce them to a villain.  Real love absolutely should hurt - your ego. Ego must be damaged in order for soul to grow.    

We have to start loving when we don’t understand, when we don’t agree. We have to be able to see the humanity in the people who we are different from. And, if we ever want to evolve, we have to start with ourselves. We have to look both honesty and compassionately at the parts of ourselves that we dislike. Ignoring won’t lead to growth, but neither will hating. We have to approach the parts of ourselves that we dislike, but with grace.  If we commit to the practice of looking at things we don’t understand or dislike with both honesty and compassion, love will grow and we will evolve.  I love being a human. I love being alive at this time in life.  But we can do better. Let’s start with love.